


Cats Solve Everything

by Aurorealis



Category: Captain Underpants Series - Dav Pilkey
Genre: Cat adoption, Cats, Gen, Kittens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-11 11:55:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11147883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurorealis/pseuds/Aurorealis
Summary: Mr. Krupp doesn't want a cat, especially not a kitten. He totally doesn't have a huge soft spot, how dare anyone suggest such a thing?Or, Krupp gets a cat and doesn't want anyone to know. He has an image to upkeep, you know.





	Cats Solve Everything

**Author's Note:**

> in retrospect, I could have had one of the teachers have the cat with the accidental litter, but instead I made a throwaway OC to do that. In my defense, I bet Krupp's the type who hates seeing work people outside of work, and probably wouldn't have opened the door for any of them anyways.

There was a knock at the door. A firm, rather insistent knock. Benjamin Krupp rolled his eyes and turned the volume on his TV just a notch louder. 

The door continued knocking, louder. Krupp groaned, shooting a glare in the general direction of the front door. Don’t they know that no one goes door to door on Curmudgeon street? It was right there in the name!

The doorbell rang next. Krupp upped the volume and turned back, determined to drown out the interruption. The channel had gone into commercials though, and Krupp already knew there was nothing else on. The doorbell rang again. 

“Fine!” Krupp griped, pulling himself to his feet. He slide naturally into his best scowl, peeking out the peephole first. It wasn’t girl scouts, thank heck, nor was it those two hooligans. Actually, it looked a lot like old Mr. Snitt from a few houses over. 

“What?” Krupp muttered to himself, anger replaced by surprise. Every person on Krupp’s street lived there because they didn’t want some pithy, friendly, social neighbourhood. They all wanted to be left alone, and to be honest, Krupp couldn’t remember the last time a neighbour had even approached him. That alone was enough to open the door, though the sheer insistence helped. 

Snitt’s fist was outstretched, waiting for contact with the front door, his face red and sweating. Slowly, he lowered his hand, eyes snapping to Krupp’s with something uncomfortably close to desperation. “Finally!” he sighed, shifting the large box hooked under his other arm. 

Now that Krupp could see it, the box was rather suspicious. “What do you want Snitt? I’m not buying anything.” 

“No! I’m not selling! I need a favour!” The cranky old neighbour’s voice had raised many times in the past, but now it was raised with urgency rather than anger. 

Krupp thought back to all his previous interactions with the man. He couldn’t recall a single time he’d ever been asked for a favour. “Not interested,” Krupp snapped, moving back to shut the door. 

Snitt stepped forward just as quickly, throwing a foot into the doorway. Krupp scowled, “Don’t think I won’t shut this door right on your foot.” He’d done it before too, on the last door-to-door religious types who’d actually tried to stop by. But there was no point in bragging. 

“Just hear me out! My dumb cat had a litter, I could have sworn she never got outside, and no one’s adopting!” 

Krupp paused, incredulous. “And... why should I care about that?” 

Snitt growled. “Oh, screw you! Just look at them- they’re cute!”

“Absolutely no-!” Krupp raised his hands, backing away, but it was too late. Snitt thrust the box forward with both hands, sliding the lid off. A chorus of mews immediately erupted. 

Despite himself, Krupp glanced forward and down. Five, impossibly tiny kittens, too cramped in their box and aleady clamouring to get out. Some orange, some black, one a splotchy, messy mix of both. One black kitten struggled to climb out. Krupp unthinkingly nudged it back in, lingering to stroke the soft fur. They were irritatingly cute.

“See? They’re adorable, you want one!” The words broke Krupp out of his trance. He shook his head, forcibly crossing his arms. They were adorable, damn them. Still.

“Just take them to a shelter.” After all, what person would be stupid enough to just adopt a kitten so suddenly? No one would do something as drastic as getting a pet just because their neighbour had an accidental litter. 

Actually, Krupp could think of one person. His equally parts idiotic and cheerful alter ego would probably jump at the opportunity. But there was a reason they weren’t the same person- not really. The kittens pleading eyes and tiny noses did nothing to his heart. 

“I can’t, they’re all completely full. No one’s taking new cats. If I can’t get any takers, I’ll have to turn them loose.” 

Krupp rolled his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous Snitt, I work with children, I know B.S. when I smell it. You just don’t want to get off your butt and drive a city over.” An orange kitten mewed, locking impossibly big eyes on Krupp’s. 

Memories of the family cat from his childhood- fluffy, friendly, furry little Sneezer- pushed their way into Krupp’s mind, unbidden. He didn’t need them here, staring at what shouldn’t be anywhere near a temptation. “I’m serious, I called shelters from the city over, too!” 

“Liar,” Krupp shot back automatically. 

“Just take a cat! Please, I’m begging!” 

Krupp remembered purring on his lap, fingers in soft fur, feeling warm because at least Sneezer was his friend. “No.”, he said anyways. Getting a kitten just to pity his neighbour was an irresponsible idea. 

Snitt heaved a sigh. “Why not? You don’t have any other pets.” 

It wasn’t as if Snitt actually had any reason to say that- they didn’t know each other. Still, he wasn’t wrong. Krupp scowled harder and reached for the first excuse he could think of. “They yowl all night to get out and pee everywhere.” 

“Only the males,” Snitt corrected eagerly. 

“Yes, and I’m sure female cats are perfect angels,” Krupp sniped. 

“Right? Hey, I have a girl right here!” Snitt shuffled the box under one arm again, freeing his other to scoop out one of the kittens- the one with the splotchy, black and orange coat. 

Krupp opened his mouth to protest, but the cat was already in his face. Krupp reached for it without thinking, perhaps to push it back, but then Snitt dropped his grip. Krupp froze, kitten suddenly in his hands, far too close. A blaze of orange split one half of its nose, various smears and stripes marring the otherwise black fur. It’s fluff was probably larger than the animal itself was, impossibly long and framing wide green eyes. A warm, quiet purr vibrated through its whole body and out through Krupp’s fingers, begging to be hugged closely. Krupp refused, tearing his eyes away and back to Snitt, ready to tell him off.

Snitt was already gone. “Hey!” Krupp shouted, head twisting around- but the streets were clear. He must have been staring at the kitten for several minutes- Snitt was a retiree with bad back posture, he couldn’t move that fast. “I didn’t say I’d adopt your stupid cat!” 

The empty street didn’t answer. The kitten, however, made a tiny, pathetic mew and started struggling, too young and energetic to appreciate being held so long. Krupp glared at it. The cat, somehow, did not look impressed. 

“I’m not keeping you,” Krupp warned. “In fact, I’m going to put my shoes on and track your real owner down.” 

The kitten mewed again, still struggling. Krupp would need a box of some sort- he couldn’t just walk down the street holding a cat, what if a child spotted him? He closed the door, and set the kitten down. “I’m warning you, don’t get comfy.” 

The kitten jumped into motion as soon as its- her, rather?- feet hit the ground. She pounced at Krupp’s sock, rolling over and batting wildly. It did not stir his steel-hard heart. Not at all. 

Krupp made his way to the kitchen- maybe he had some tupperware that would work? With a towel over it instead of a lid, of course. The kitten followed him. 

Of course, if Snitt was so desperate, it would probably be very hard to return the cat. He knew Krupp wasn’t interested, and resorted to physically handing one over and running. Heck, he was probably being honest about the shelters being full- arguing with equally antisocial neighbours had to be more difficult than driving a bit further than usual. 

In which case, the kitten would be made a stray. She’d probably starve, the small and clumsy thing that she was. Krupp slowly turned his head, watching the kitten run around the kitchen, sniffing everything. “Don’t look at me like that,” Krupp complained, though that cat wasn’t even looking at him, and certainly couldn’t understand English. 

He couldn’t just adopt a cat, especially not a tiny kitten. It was a terrible, bad, stupid idea. 

At the same time, it would be a lot of effort, probably a monumentally long argument, to give the cat back to Snitt, so desperate to get them off his hands. Maybe even more work than just dealing with the cat. After all, Krupp had owned a cat once, as a kid. He knew the basics- some cat food, some water, a litterbox. It wasn’t that he needed or wanted a cat, or thought it was precious, Krupp was just being practical. 

The kitten padded closer again, dipping her tiny pink nose against Krupp’s pant leg. Krupp sighed loudly, half groaning. He was good at kidding himself. 

“Fine, I’ll get you some water.” Krupp reached for a cereal bowl and brought it to the sink tap. He would have to get to the pet store before it closed- mentally, Krupp checked off the items he’d need just for tonight. The kitten lapped at the water immediately as Krupp set the bowl down. It looked like they would be stuck together, for the time being.

It would be okay, as long as those troublemakers never found out.

**Author's Note:**

> there are probably a ton of errors, but I haven't written in ages and needed to just get something out. If you see anything real bad, I'm sorry.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr via @burreos, but I mostly write Hamilton fic


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